The Early Years

I first thought that my depression appeared when I was 19 years old. In fact, that's when I first started receiving treatment for it. 21 years ago. It seems like a long time ago now, but it really isn't. At least, now that I am figuring out the truth.

The truth is, I have been suffering from symptoms of depression from much earlier. Perhaps before I even hit my teens. I can remember awful mood swings, brought on by the feeling that I wasn't loved. Not by my parents, not by family. I had very few friends. Ever since grade school, I had less than three real (and close) friends. And those close friends didn't know a lot about me. Just enough.

It wasn't because I wanted to be a loner, but because I always felt I was weird, that I was ugly, and other things indicative of low or poor self esteem. It wasn't that my feelings of inadequacy were from out of left field. I had plenty of help, from family, from school mates, all over.

I'm not going into specifics, not the stuff you would discuss with a therapist. But let's just say that I didn't feel this way on my own... And, kids can be really cruel.

My outlet, through school, was to immerse myself in books. Not necessarily the ones I needed for school, but books none-the-less. In high school, it was the Hardy Boys mysteries. For many years we didn't have a TV at home, so I had not much of a choice but to read, between, during and after my chores.

Looking back now, I can see that the signs were there, yet, I had no one to talk to, no one to explain how I was feeling. At the beginning of each school year, as I moved from grade to grade, I would have a hard time concentrating. It took me at least six weeks to settle in. Once I did, I was fine. My teachers all said I was "bright" or "brilliant." I read well, I wrote poetry, and I was even told that someday I would make a great priest. Thank God I didn't go that route, as living life as a priest was not quite what I had in mind for a future.

I prayed constantly, asking for help. Asking that I not feel the way I did. It turns out that prayer doesn't fix depression, just as it doesn't fix homosexuality, as some of the misguided believe. It also doesn't fix Turrets Syndrome, as I found out after praying for a woman who I saw in the country during my summers. A lot of my prayers weren't answered. There are some things that prayer and God by themselves won't fix.

An Introduction to Depression

There are many things that people take for granted. The ability to have fun with their friends and family. Good health. Emotional stability. Those are just a few.

People who suffer from various forms of depression have no such delight. For many, each day can be tortuous. From unexplained pains, to drastic mood swings, suicide ideations and attempts, and so much more. This is my story.